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Diatribe: Really Bad Drivers With Christian Bumper Stickers.

03/31/2013

JesusI was almost in an accident today.  As I was leaving the supermarket, waiting for my turn to turn left out of the parking lot, a crazed lunatic came flying up beside me on the right and turned left in front of me.  It was as if I wasn’t there.  I honked my horn as he sped away, without using turn signals, and with total disrespect for the speed limit and the safety of other drivers in the area.  He was a jerk.  And, as he sped around in front of me, almost tilting onto only two wheels, I noticed that he had a Jesus bumper sticker on the back of his car.

The incident reminded me of the following story …

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Naturally, I eventually caught up with this driver in traffic so his dangerous antics really didn’t pay off.  I don’t know why he was driving like the Devil, but he clearly didn’t have Jesus as his co-pilot this afternoon.

Have you ever encountered a vehicle with a bumper sticker or silver fish on the back that was driving so poorly that you thought the car might be stolen?

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11 Comments
  1. Anonymous permalink

    Clever post.

    Like

  2. When Eldest was in a punk rock band the lead guitarist mother was an uber-Christian. For one of their bookings in Seattle she promised to pay for their hotel room if they announced for Jesus on stage (not only did this ignore the other boys’ religions but it is damn dangerous in a punk rock venue). The lead singer stood up and said, “Not only do we denounce Jesus but we support the Anti-Christ!” Dear gawd… In honor of the occasion I bought them a ‘satan-fish’ which went on one of their speakers.

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  3. okay, this is embarrassing – make that ‘Not only do we announce for Jesus, we also support the Anti-Christ.’ Is early out here in the PNW….

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  4. Barneysday permalink

    Who are those with all the bumper stickers trying to convince, others to convert, or themselves. If you need the bumper stickers, then you aren’t in the humble mold of Jesus. Good story.

    Like

  5. Lord protect me from your followers.

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  6. I love the cop story. Sorry you were almost in an accident due to the devout driver. Being a dumb ass is an equal opportunity offense; it knows no boundaries. By the way, I read this in a book somewhere “patience is a virtue.” Take care.

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  7. If someone in our town tailgates you, zips around you on ice, or otherwise acts like a selfish jerk he/she is almost certain to sport a school of fish on their rear bumper. Christianity for too many these days seems to mean entitlement, arrogance, and control.

    Like

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