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Diatribe: The Spritzers Are Back! Choose Your Mall Entrances Wisely!

09/07/2013

perfume-counter1-300x227A recent trip to my local shopping mall reminded me that selecting the right parking space is the first step toward an enjoyable experience.  I find that it’s better to park far away from the right entrance than it is to park close to the wrong entrance.  The wrong entrance, in this case, is the Fragrance Department at Macy’s.

It seems that the “Spritzers” are back!  Walking through those doors is a literal assault to my eyeballs, my sinuses and my trachea.  What for years has been a quiet, un-manned, glass counter with bottles and boxes displayed out of reach is once again hosting samples of various colognes and perfumes that smiling “associates” are eager to spray onto little pieces of paper so that they can wave them in front of you as they excitedly tell you how wonderful your life might be if only you smelled like THIS.

“Oh, it’s so OAKEY and MELLOW!”

“Don’t you just love the leafy fragrance?  It smells like a refreshing day at an outdoor spa!”

“This one reminds me of an English tea garden.”

B*tch, please … it smells like fifteen different perfumes all sprayed at the same time in here.  There is no way that you’re going to convince me that, after spraying these little bottles all day long, you can tell the difference between any of them.  You must be working for some major commission because you pretty much jumped my bones as I approached your counter.  It’s as if you crouched down into position, ready to spring into action, little papers in hand, when you saw my headlights swing into the parking lot outside the door.  You’re a sophisticated jaguar in high heels and I’m a smelly little gazelle that needs to be spritzed to death!

Do you think I smell bad?  Is there a reason that you chose that particular brand of nose hair burning essence to saturate my sweater thus ensuring that I hate you for the remainder of the evening?

Stop it.  Just stop it!

I thought we were done dodging these smelly bullets.  I thought that marketing experts had agreed that customers didn’t appreciate being accosted with these products, that this doesn’t in any way shape or form convey luxury or extreme customer service.  Didn’t we decide that having the nicest “gift with purchase” was the more humane way to go about selling fragrances?

So, beware, fellow shoppers.  Christmas is still more than one hundred days away yet, the Spritzers are back!  Choose your mall entrances wisely!

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5 Comments
  1. “B*tch please.” Too funny. Having worked downtown for many years, the other sensory overload is to get on an elevator with folks who think more perfume and aftershave is better, especially when there is more than one. You get to your desk and the aromas still linger on your clothes.

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  2. Noooooooooooo! My husband is allergic and the spritzers always go after me!

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  3. You need to make a sign you can hold in front of you as you enter the shops – “I am highly allergic to perfume! If you spray me or anywhere near me I could end up in the hospital! Please protect my health!”

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  4. Whoops meant to start the sign with a big STOP sign & then the words following.

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