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Diatribe: Don’t Call Police When Your Jell-O Gets Stolen.


JelloScreamLike most families, every time mine gathered to celebrate just about any occasion during my younger years there was food.  And, more often than not, all the moms brought a dish.  Also like most families, some of the moms were fantastic cooks who could whip up a fabulous and tasty dish using scraps from the back of the refrigerator and a box of Bisquick while others had a reputation for burning the bottom of the Brown-n-Serve dinner rolls.  (You know who you are.)  For several of my formative years, my mother was the Queen of the Jell-O Mold.

I don’t remember her using those fancy copper molds shaped like arched fish or tall castles … the sort that decorated the walls of many 1970s kitchens … but I do remember her using Tupperware molds because it was easier to remove the finished product.  Sometimes mother would make her Jell-O-molds with mandarin oranges or mini marshmallows but my favorites were the ones in which she somehow incorporated Cool Whip.  There was one recipe that she made, however, that would often go begging on the buffet line.  Someone in the family must have really liked it because she prepared it again and again.  I think it was a lime Jell-O into which she would stir chopped celery that would float to the top of the mixture.  Once the mold had chilled and it was inverted onto a serving plate, the finished product looked really cool … a clear green Jell-O top with a darker green almost grass-like bottom surface … but it tasted like lime Jell-O with celery in it.

No one would ever want to steal it.

But there was a Jell-O heist last Thursday.  At about 11:30 p.m., a thirty-nine-year-old Pennsylvania man discovered that someone had stolen his Jell-O from the refrigerator in the break room where he works and he called the police.

“Jell-O, police?” he might have said.  “Someone has stolen my Jell-O!”

The caller insisted that this was not the first time his food had been stolen from the shared refrigerator.  A police report was filed and this particular Jell-O theft remains an “open investigation”.  While local authorities have not ruled out the possibility of a future arrest, I imagine they have more pressing matters at hand.

Anyone who’s ever shared a refrigerator in an office break room knows what it feels like to have a snack vanish.  But there is one sure-fire way to keep this from happening … bring a snack that nobody will be tempted to nab.  I imagine that sardines, for example, have a really good chance of going undisturbed while they wait for you to enjoy them.  And I’m absolutely positive that nobody would ever be tempted to swipe lime Jell-O with celery in it.  If, for some unexplained reason, they did swipe this Jell-O, I’m certain they would never do it again.

Really … they would not go back for seconds.

Have you ever made a Jell-O mold?  Have you ever had food stolen at work?  Did you call the police?!


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Copyright © 2013

From → Diatribes

  1. The thief made a slippery escape. If caught he/ she would try to wiggle out of it. Yet, when finally sent to prison, he/ she would have to congeal with his/ her thoughts of misdeeds.


  2. Jello, around here, would most likely contain skeleton parts, spiders, candy corn and be orange. Amazingly never had my stuff stolen over a long history of being in and out of the job market. We have only called the police once, to control a kid tearing apart our break room. We held the door closed and the policeman, all 6’6″ of him, showed up and that was that.


  3. Someone in my family always brought this lime jello, but ours had celery, carrots & finely diced onions in it! I think they also did something to the jello because it wasn’t terribly sweet. Ugh!


  4. Oh boy! I just scored a 1950 Jello booklet yesterday at the thrift store with all kinds of horrible looking recipes that no one would want to steal. I’ll have to get it out and post a few pictures, but after dinner of course because — let’s say it together shall we? There’s always room for Jello!


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