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Diatribe: GUEST POST – All You People Who Slurp Your Coffee And Soup.

We're pretty sure The Tale of the Squamous Coffee Slurper is in this book.

We’re pretty sure The Tale of the Squamous Coffee Slurper is in this book.

It happens in coffee houses and lunch spots when it’s not too busy, so that the background noise is low to non-existent. You’re sitting there, enjoying your coffee or lunch or whatever, and suddenly your tranquility is shattered by a disgusting stomach-wrenching sound reminiscent of a Cyclopean alien tentacle being dragged along the brackish surface of a fetid swap, an aeons-old horror straight out of a Lovecraftian nightmare. Horrified, you turn to the source of the sound and sure enough, someone’s slurping their soup or coffee. Loudly.

Okay, sure, in the list of public offenses, this one ranks right down there near the bottom of the list, alongside not saying “Thanks” when someone holds a door open for you. But really, now. Talk about an annoyance that people have full control over. People are actually making a conscious decision to slurp their hot liquid in a positively irritating and sickening manner.

Now, some may argue that it’s a necessary step in the lovely art of sipping a hot beverage. After all, you don’t want to find yourself drinking a coffee that’s heated to magma-like temperatures. Okay, I can appreciate that. But even so, once someone ascertains that the coffee or soup or whatever other hot concoction they’re shoving in their face isn’t going to remove several layers of skin, then why in the name of sweet sanity does the slurper persist on making that revolting noise until the bitter end? Do it once or twice, get the measure of your refreshment’s temperature, then for pity’s sake, STOP…and drink your beverage like a normal person!

Others may argue that the slurper is just enjoying their beverage to the fullest. Okay, sure, but come on now, there’s a difference between enjoying your latte and French-kissing it. Get a room, you two!

GuestBloggerPerhaps it’s because some people aren’t aware how much sound carries, especially, as mentioned earlier, in a place with less background noise that can otherwise drown individual noises. After all , how many cel phone conversations have you been made an unwitting participant in? Actually, let’s not go any further with the cel phone thing; you don’t want to get me started. That topic’s worth an entire website.

Or maybe they are aware, and they simply don’t care. Or worse still, maybe they’re part of an ancient conspiracy to bring about the Apocalypse by pushing the world to the brink of insanity by means of repetitive gross noises.

You’d think that slurping wouldn’t arise such ire in people, but believe me, the silent majority is out there, biting their tongues, clenching their fists in frustration, afraid that saying something may cause a bigger ruckus, so they suffer in silence. And there are other noises that drive people to distraction, you know. Personally, I know of a former coworker of mine who absolutely positively hated the sound of people popping their chewing gum.

Everybody has a different noise that sends them round the bend. And most people are willing to just shrug, say “Get over it,” and leave it at that. Ah, until, of course, they are the ones being put out by the particular noise that sets their teeth on edge. Then it’s a whole different ballgame.

So, whether it’s loudly slurping your coffee, popping your chewing gum, burping with your mouth open, or making a slide-whistle noise whenever you see someone slipping on ice, let’s all be extra aware of two great truths: your unwanted noises carry, and sanity is a fragile, delicate thing.

JohnTerraAbout the author … John Terra has been a freelance writer since 1985. His main social pet peeve is people who actually yell out the word “ACHOO!” when they sneeze. He writes about everything from running 5K’s to maintaining a good reputation via sites like

Photo Credit: Marxchivist


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From → Diatribes

  1. Raybob permalink

    It’s a cultural thing. Slurping soup in Japan means you’re enjoying your food. Belching after a meal in mainland China is almost obligatory unless you want to insult the cook!


  2. For me there’s nothing worse than listening to someone eat a banana with their mouth open!


  3. Allison permalink

    I accidentally slurped my coffee quietly in a coffee shop this afternoon in a large city. A woman sitting somewhere beside me shot me the crappiest look.

    Okay, is it really that deep? Is it so deep that you’re willing to burn a bridge by writing articles like this or stink-eyeing a complete stranger? REALLY? Then your life must be cake!

    People do all sorts of things I don’t. I can tune it out and focus on what I’m doing. Does that give me superior brainpower, or have first-world problems really gotten this…lame?


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