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Diatribe: The Akron Apple Fritter Stabbing Of Christmas 2013.

12/28/2013

TheAkronAppleFritterStabbingI’ve never been a part of a food fight.  I was a witness to a bit of a messy cafeteria outburst in college when a group of fraternity boys who had quite obviously been celebrating off campus before gathering for an evening meal that became what some might call “disorderly”.  The melee began with the men drunkenly tossing bits of food at one another across the table at one another and quickly escalated to handfuls of ingredients from the salad bar and nearby tables until others in the room quickly scattered to avoid the mess that they were making.

Food fights have been found in movies and on television as a comedy staple for decades.  Perhaps the most famous, of course, being the scene instigated by the late John Belushi’s character, John “Bluto” Blutarsky, in the 1978 comedy classic National Lampoon’s Animal House.

The cafeteria food fight that I witnessed, like most, resulted in a huge mess that required quite a bit of clean-up.  If I remember correctly, the fraternity brothers, with the assistance and supervision of kitchen staff, had to wipe down the walls of the cafeteria, clean all the tables and chairs that were in the line of fire and scrub the floors.  I believe there was a ceiling light fixture that also required some attention.  Any innocent bystanders who were hit by friendly fire were responsible for their own clean-up and restoration.

Sadly, not all food fights end with a simple clean up.

On Christmas night, an Akron, Ohio, woman was making apple fritters.  Her two sisters were “play fighting” with the fritters when things, apparently, got out of hand.  Sister B pulled Sister C’s hair, and the “play fighting” escalated until Sister C stabbed Sister B in the chest.  Sister B was taken to a local hospital for treatment of what turned out to be a non-life-threatening injury and Sister C was arrested and charged with felonious assault.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

I can’t help but wonder if there wasn’t, maybe, something else cooking in that kitchen on Christmas night.  The Akron Apple Fritter Stabbing of Christmas 2013 sounds like the sort of food fight that legends are made from … certainly more dangerous than anything in a college cafeteria.

Have you ever been a part of a food fight?

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3 Comments
  1. The only food tossing I ever did was to throw a drink into my ex-husband’s face after over an hour of his relentless teasing & nit picking in front of my best friend & her husband. The separation followed a few months later.

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    • (I’ve secretly always wanted to do that!)

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      • I think he was totally shocked, as was everybody else at the table, even me! I had been asking him to stop for so long & he just wouldn’t. The next thing I knew I had flicked my wrist & he was wiping my drink off his face.

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